If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
You Might Also Like
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
the official breakfast of 2021
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.