“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
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wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
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genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)