4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
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[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts