*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
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DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok