Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
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Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!