Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
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I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Spell check is for lasers.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom