Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
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I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
my proudest tweet
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.