I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
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If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers