Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
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Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Mummies are just super modest zombies
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.