[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
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Carpe DM
Favourite diary entry ever
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.