Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I can’t wait!
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.