At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
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[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Generation gap…
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*