My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
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We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*