Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.