FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
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THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
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FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*