Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
You Might Also Like
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am