Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
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This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.