Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
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I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
What?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Just a friendly reminder!
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.