why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
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I’m literally crying
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
😂😂😂
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.