Just why bro?!
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Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
A French press is when you hug naked
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can鈥檛 make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time