Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
You Might Also Like
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity