thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
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INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Goodnight 🐶
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil