INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
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windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I just tested negative for patience.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.