Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
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Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.