When did white people become such fucking pussies?
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I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
He a real one for that
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds