lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
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smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you