receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
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God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles