Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
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serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”