told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
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[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
My neck, my back, my…
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”