Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
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The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
The news
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.