British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
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Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus wonât work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Just had my nails done!
âA broken clock is right twice a dayâ isnât really true anymore because my office microwave says itâs 88:88 oâclock
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my âAlarmâ on my phone and my first thought was âAladdin is calling meâ
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like iâm a bouncer and they just got in a fight
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? đđđ
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesnât know the definition of either âcleanâ or âbathroom.â
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess itâs hereditary.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and Iâm going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.