old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text