Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
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*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
What a chick magnet..
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to