Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
You Might Also Like
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”