It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
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Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.