HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
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Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
bought wrong eggs
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
We need more people like this.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.