Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
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me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I put the mess in domestic.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
It has been 3 years since Monday.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.