My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
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*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.