Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
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Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
(Gaming support cat.)
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?