is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
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5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
“Huge”.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”