My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
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I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker