I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
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Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.