*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
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if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.