2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
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After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.