30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
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[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
The smoothest fall of all time
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.