well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
You Might Also Like
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom