I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
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I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
We need more people like this.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Plumber: I think I found the problem
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home