Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
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Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
me
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously