Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
You Might Also Like
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She鈥檚 going to crush high school.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good鈥攜our lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
bugs when you lift up a rock
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven鈥檛 texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 馃き
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That鈥檚 not a Twitter account. It鈥檚 a group text.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don鈥檛 know yours, rest assured that it鈥檚 not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first