Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
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[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.